This is where I will continually update you on all of the strange people I have sat next to on an airplane. Consider this a missed connections page that I would like to remain ‘missed’.
That One Time I Was a Glassblower: on one of my 6hour, non-stop flights from Boston to Seattle a woman was speaking to me for the entire 6 hours about glassblowing. I know there is a pretty rad glassblowing art museum/gallery place in Seattle…but it was an overnight flight and I was very high on the Benadryl I use to help me sleep on planes. I actually talked about glassblowing as if I was a glassblower myself and had contributed many fine things to this museum? I talked about colors a lot. Who knows. I think I was into it. Hugs not drugs.
Airplane Wedding: Jetblue, Boston to Seattle, there was a youngish couple eloping once they got to Seattle. In the meantime, they were getting absolutely ham-sauced in the front rows where the free booze is at. They told the cabin crew, and the crew legitimately performed a fake wedding ceremony. The lead crew member, a very spicy gay man, was rather savvy with crafts and made a garbage bag veil and napkin flowers for the bride and a napkin bowtie for the groom (who’s name was 100% Chaz and is a very real person). Another crew member walked the bride down the isle as the flower girl and threw napkins everywhere like rose petals. This 100% happened and is on Youtube. Naturally, I was once again high af on Benadryl trying to sleep, and woke up to the lead crew member announcing the elopement and beginning a ceremony to declare them “Travel Companions” and giving them each a JetBlue pin.
Chatty Kathy: There was one a woman who was speaking to me for the entire Boston to Seattle flight without any need for me to participate. No, I wasn’t on drugs this time, but I did have noise cancelling headphones on and was reading a book the whole time. When I noticed she was talking to me I got very confused and didn’t know a polite way to say, “hey can you start that 3 hour story over again because I didn’t catch that” and I also didn’t want to hear the 3 hour story again. I just put my headphones back on and she kept talking to me. I pretended to sleep and she kept talking to me. She was facing me the entire time. To this day I am very worried about her.
Passing Vomit: I once sat between a mom and her teenage daughter on a flight, and I asked them if one of them wanted to switch to they could sit together because I was in the middle seat. They said no. Ok. The daughter became violently ill when we hit some turbulence and needed all three of the vomit bags from each of our seat-back pockets. She would throw up into one several times, and when it was full, she would pass it across my lap to her mom. If her mom didn’t grab it right away, she would just put it in my lap.
Arm Rest Skirmish: EVERYONE KNOWS THE MIDDLE SEAT GETS THE PICK OF THE ARM RESTS. When I’m in the middle, I usually lean to my right to read and only use the right arm rest. I also think its 100% possible to share arm rests because I usually have my elbows on the very back of them. There was a man to my right, one flight, who put his elbow ON TOP OF my arm when he went to use the arm rest I was already occupying. Then he began to press down into my arm with all his weight while he was ‘not paying attention’ on his laptop somehow. I shoved his arm off me, and then he PUT IT BACK. This actually went on for a while until he really started to hurt me. Eventually, I turned to him, slammed both my hands into his chest and screamed, ‘FUCK OFF’ into his stupid fucking face. I think he peed himself. I am still proud of this. He had 100 apologies and if he even lightly grazed my elbow again he would throw himself half into the isle and say sorry again. #Triggered. I understand that maybe this is your first flight and that you don’t quite have the hang of the etiquette, but why would you go out of your way to hurt a woman like that? Multiple times? GTFO.
Marry Poppins: I once was on an overnight flight next to a man who was singing and humming the entire time. He had his headphones in so he couldn’t really hear how loud he was being, but this man was legitimately singing opera music juuust quiet enough so that only me and maybe three other people could really hear him. When he wasn’t singing he was merrily humming. What are you supposed to say in a situation like that, ‘Uhm excuse me sir, please stop being so happy and pleasant, some of us are trying to sleep to the soothing sounds of airplane turbines’?
Game of Nerds: This actually happened to my houseboat at some point when he was coming to visit me. He was sitting next to a gigantic man who was getting really into watching the first season of Game of Thrones on his laptop during the flight. Let’s call him Bill. When the plane landed, Bill turns to said houseboat and goes, ‘You watch Game of Thrones?’
HB: Uhh yeah, it’s a great series.
B: …
HB: …
B: …
HB: …
B: **shouting** MAAAAAAAAN, that Littlefinger IS UP TO NO GOOD!
And then Bill just gets up without waiting for any response or reaction and walks off the plane with all his things?